Poems 2

father

father

you came too late

a mound of anger had grown

over heart’s divided chamber

father

i waited for you

bound in the skin shroud

of life – death

father

i called your name

when I was laid

on a backstreet abortionist’s table

father

i called your name

when they tore out my ovary

father

i called your name

when I fell through a glasshouse

father

i called your name

when I slashed my wrists

father

i called your name

when my blood

shot into the sky

in a black fountain

father

you came too late

a mound of anger had grown

over heart’s divided chamber

---

mother

mother

this man you so mercilessly offer

is not my father

at an early age

i tested

the unpalatable qualities

of his suit

forced by a striking repulsion

to withdraw

i hid on a narrow windowsill

nibbling dry biscuits

plucking at the dead cloth

of an insidious curtain

mother

this man you so mercilessly offer

is not my father

at an early age

i grasped the naked pole

of a revolving clothesline

ran round and round

dizzy with disbelief

glass mountain

(for my mother & father)

when i was 33 

i met a man

he said

the lines on your hand are a map

there is a

secret

surrounding your birth

the man who you think is your father

is not your father

i crept away

the boat slid between

huge sleeping hills

seagulls screamed

their eyes cruel

i came to my mothers house

i said to her

who is my father

she said nothing

for a long time

nothing

then she said

your father is

a jewish painter

i sent him a photograph of myself

i was afraid he would not want me

i wore a white feather in my hair

i told him about

my broken marriages

my abortions

my lovers

my children

my self imprisonment

i said

life is a glass mountain

i keep climbing up

falling down

i live in a dream

i turn everything i love

into a fetish

my father wrote to me

he wanted me

he had no children

only me

he asked me to come and stay with him

in london

i was afraid of the world

i did not wear clothes

i did not eat meat

i lived high up in a hidden valley

within a circle of hills

a great river rushed down the valley

met another river

the land was full of stones and foxgloves

i did not show my paintings to anyone

from the age of 26

i hid them in cupboards instead of food

i stood at the airport

my plaits

dying silkworms

my father

bound in the still egg of a dream

hovered in his long gabardine coat

curls straggling on his collar

smooth olive face

blurry & secretive

mouth opulent

gentle eyes

bespectacled

he was frightened when he saw me

cleaving to the wall

as if wanting to escape

he had run from me all these years

we drove away in a black limousine

the tall dark house was full of his paintings

i showed him my paintings

in a head on collision

we recognized each others

queerly mapped territory

wanting each other

yet

rejecting each other

violently

each one aghast

at the others likeness

each one turning away

from love offered  

you park your car

outside my bedroom window

you shut my bedroom window

you nail paint rags across the glass

my bedroom is

plunged in darkness

outside you rattle your spray gun

the smell of turpentine pierces memory

i grope in darkness

i remember how i first saw you

your tail of gold hair

your coat of corduroy

i was on heat

with a proclivity for crushes

you led me on

hastening away

at crucial point

a friend, startled by my obsession with you

informed my mother

my mother said to me

you always get crushes on men

you live in a dream world

this time you shall face reality

imitation giraffe

during my slow death

i became

part of the broken

part of the cracks

part of the holes

part of the eternal gasp

nearer

nearer

than a lover

the broken

the vanquished

the hungry

nearer

nearer

than a lover

nailed to

the flaming arc

of life

i became

an imitation giraffe

set in concrete

staring in glass eyes

whilst the real giraffe

huddled in a shed

nearer

nearer

than a lover

---

thesaurus 

(for miro)

when i was 9 months pregnant

i got stuck in the lavatory

with a red & black thesaurus

after 5 hours of enforced study

i was let out

not long after this

you were born

at an early age

your vocabulary was extensive

mine was strangely applied

in dark places

my fear of being locked away

                                                   grew

---

broken souls

when will you be ready

to go to the market

you ask

in a tight black coat

not yet I say

ive got to

suck

dust

up the long stick

of my vacuum cleaner

ive never owned a

vacuum cleaner

before

ive always used

a straw broom

to chase the dust

of

broken souls

---

ghosts of lovers – pukerua bay 2008

flung far from Kapiti Island
my heart an ancient canoe
filled with ghosts of lovers…..children

their voices echo over the bay

in the summer of my twenty second year
you appeared outside my broken door
long naked feet
groping dry yellow grass
hot face on mine
laughter exploding

your shadow and mine
flung
out to sea

in your house
at the end of the bay
we lay in your sighing bed
bodies coffined
hands and feet crossed
throats ballooning
with the rush of unborn words

---

veiled in steam

blinded by the sun

she  traverses rooms

leaning on her black stick

her twisted feet hover above the floor

her great fallen head

her eagles nose

her flaring nostrils

still seek the unattainable

reaching the bathroom

she crouches

veiled in steam

on her precarious throne

posing as her daughter

i shower her

with sudden ejaculations of hot & cold water

rolling a slippery cake of rose soap

over her nakedness

into the open graves of her armpits 

over the gentle egg of her belly

 she holds out her hands 

cupping the water

I slide the soap over her burial mound

directing a warm stream

towards that sacred place

where I sheltered 68 years ago

how can I tell her I revere her

I am lost in the open grave

of her arm pit

the soap slithers out of my hands